Follow Your Heart ~

My last post was yet another exciting chapter of my love story. There is one point on which I would like to elaborate, if you don't mind. Oh thank you! I know I sometimes go on and on, so I truly appreciate your patience. :) I had wanted to go into more detail while I was writing my last post, but time did not permit it.
In that post, I told about how my parents gave me two options after I finished high school. One was to go away to Bible college. The other was to stay home, get a job and buy my own car. I chose option two. There is a little more to the story that I'd like to share now.
I had dreamed of doing big, important jobs my entire childhood. I wanted to be a lawyer, because I loved history. (Lawyers have to like history. Don't they? Well, I thought they did.)
After that, I wanted to be a writer, because I loved dreaming up stories. I loved trying to make my family cry when they read their birthday cards from me each year. I loved words, I loved being transported to "that other life" via a good book. I wanted to take others to the wonderful worlds I dreamed up. Writing seemed a good fit...then I thought, why not combine the two and write about history? So, that was my dream for a while.
Later, I wanted to teach. I spent many afternoons in an upstairs classroom waiting on my Mom to wrap things up for the day. I can still smell that chalky, sweaty smell that a classroom has at the end of the day, after hosting 130 students! I find comfort in that smell! (Much like I do in the smell of tobacco and funnel cakes. That smell reminds me of the sweet summer days I spent at Magic Springs when I was child. My parents owned a glass shop, called Glass Creations, for several years. I spent many happy days there. Ahhh. Precious memories. What? Oh! Sorry! Where was I? Yes, I remember!) Teaching seemed to be in my blood, because I was exposed to it. My Mother didn't desire to merely "get through the day with all these kids" as some teachers did. She sincerely wanted to make a difference. My brother's life's verse is Jude 22 "And of some have compassion, making a difference." I think he chose that consciously or sub-consciously because he saw this verse lived out by my Mother over and over with her students, and at home too, of course! :] I wanted to make a difference, too.
I also wanted to be a doctor for a while, and help the hurting that way. But, then I realized I fell faint at the sight of blood, so that was out. Oh, I'm not good at math, either, so pharmacology was out as well.
Other various dreams of mine included banking, becoming a librarian, and radio broadcasting. Motherhood would always be included along with these other occupational choices. It absolutely went without saying. I wanted to be a Mother, as 99.9% of women do.
At teen camp one year, however, I gave my life to the Lord. I surrendered total control to Him, to do whatever He wanted for me. If this meant being a missionary to Africa, I was in. Whatever He wanted.
I began to lose interest in my previous passions (except motherhood of course!). I no longer dreamed of becoming a lawyer, doctor, writer, or broadcaster. I even gave up the teaching idea. I basically gave up any idea that involved working outside the home. My Mother, even though she worked a secular job, encouraged me in this idea. Often I would go to my Mom and ask her to go do something and she would be unable to go due to her job. She would look at me compassionately and say "Valerie, when you get married someday, don't work outside your home." I knew what she meant. She was saying, "I hate having to put you behind my job. I hate that you have to be last." Of course, I understood. I knew my Mother loved me more than anything, even is she did miss out on some things I wanted to do. (But right now I can't remember any particular one, so they must not have been that important anyway!)
As I read my Bible, prayed and earnestly sought for God's will, it seemed to me that I should marry a preacher. (I know, what girl doesn't surrender to do that, right? Well, I was no exception!) I felt with all that was in me that I should be involved in ministry alongside my husband, whether he was a full-time pastor, or a secular employed layman. I hoped to have children, but after watching my sister wait for six years to have a baby, I didn't hold my breath. I was prepared to possibly not be able to have any at all.
The time drew near for me to apply to Bible college. Most of my friends were married, or had left our church entirely. The college my brother and sister attended was wonderful. They had fire and vision and enthusiasm. But...I didn't want to go. I had been there many times to visit them, I had loved it as a child. Now, as it was soon to be my turn to pack up and go north, I wasn't so sure. Did I want to pursue a degree in education? Did I really want to be a teacher? Or was that just an excuse to go to a "nest" of Christian young men in search of a husband? If you want a degree, and you want a mate, then Bible college is the place for you. I, however, had to be honest with myself and admit that I only wanted a mate. I asked the Lord to please send the man he had for me to our church. I thought it might be the guy I was dating at that time, but I had my doubts that it would be he. In fact, I had very little faith that God would really send my man there. This lack of faith didn't stop me from proclaiming to my friends boldly, "God could send my future husband to our church!" while inside, my faith was a mustard seed...or less!
I prayed about what to do. Do I go, or do I stay? I felt the loving pressure from my parents. They went to college. They believed strongly in being educated. I felt like I was failing them in some way, though they never once accused me of disappointing them. I had a very good relationship with my parents. I loved them, and I respected them. And they loved and respected me too, and I was just a kid! :] They respected my feelings. When I told them I wasn't too excited about going away, they understood. My Mother told me that college was a good transition from childhood to adulthood. While you're away at Bible college, you are "on your own", yet still under your parents authority. This made sense. But I still didn't have the desire to go. My Mother also told me that when God has a plan for your life, He makes you like that plan! It isn't misery! He enables you to do the task, and to find joy in it. I didn't have any joy about leaving home and heading to college. It was at this time that I was given the two options. This helped me so much. It helped me to know that my parents had given me some "wiggle room". They did not slam down the iron fist of parental authority by saying "This is what Kevin and Melanie did and this is what YOU'RE doing too!!!". Had they said this, I would have obeyed, because the Holy Spirit would not have let me disobey. But I would have had seeds of bitterness and hurt in my heart toward them that would linger to this day. I'm so thankful for option two! I'm so thankful my parents didn't "kick me out". I'm thankful that God gave me wise and loving parents! I'm thankful that they respected me, and my very unique personality, and allowed me to be... me.
I chose option two because a deacon in my church advised me to "follow my heart." Since my parents approved of my staying home, and since this is what my heart longed for, this is what I did. I stayed.
God worked everything out in a way that only He could. I thought I was staying home to continue in a relationship with the guy I was dating. I was wrong on that point. But the Lord led me every step of the way, and I gladly followed. As the path grew darker, I clung more tightly to Him. He did not fail me. He led me toward paths of light, and love, and joy.

To be continued...